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Title: The Amazing Adventures of Captain Troy Barnes of the U.S.S. Awesome
Author: htbthomas
Recipient: neigedens
Fandom: Community
Characters: Troy, Abed, Chang, Dean Pelton, Shirley, Britta, Annie, Pierce, Jeff
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1,378 words
Betas: jheaton, weasleytook and saturn_shumba

Summary: Once upon a time, there was a big spaceship and aliens and mercenaries and war and betrayal and romance and karate and credits. The end.

Note: Cracky Star Trek-esque parody, written for community_fic's Christmas Fic Exchange. Enjoy!

~o~o~o~o~o~


"Captain, I'm getting a transmission from the alien ship," Lieutenant Chang reported. For the past two hours they had been monitoring an unknown vessel in the vicinity.

Captain Barnes nodded. "Put it onscreen."

The display filled with the visage of a horrific alien being. The creature's skin was completely smooth, and there were strange round protrusions around what looked like eyes. His body was wrapped in some sort of white and black fur-like clothing. Was it battle gear? Captain Barnes couldn't be sure.

Barnes fought to keep a blank face, but his eyelids started to flutter anyway. "This is Captain Barnes of the U.S.S. Awesome. Please identify yourself."

The alien moved its head back and forth as if shrugging. "My name is DeeCee of the Peltonian Administration."

"Your purpose?" 

"We have come to request transfer of the prisoner you carry aboard your ship."

"Prisoner?" Captain Barnes looked toward their guest in confusion. "What prisoner?"

"I'm no prisoner!" Bennetta cried. Her raven curls whipped back and forth as she shook her head. Captain Barnes found he wanted to… protect her as if she were his mother. "I am fleeing for my life, as I told you!"

Ensign Edison turned in her navigator's chair. "I thought you were fleeing the Greendalites?"

"Yes!" Bennetta stood proudly and pointed at the screen. "I will not return with you!"

Barnes began to rub his temples. "My brain..."

Science Officer Nadir stepped forward. "According to the computer's database, the Peltonian Administration is a political subunit of the Greendalite race."

The Greendalite onscreen cleared his throat. "I had hoped that we could avoid hostilities, but, you know, whatever." The screen went black.

An explosion rocked the ship, spilling everyone from their control chairs. "Status, Lieutenant Perry," Barnes commanded, picking himself up from the floor.

Once back at her station, she checked her screen. "Shields at 50%, Captain."

"Engineering. Can you get us out of here?" Another explosion hit the ship, knocking loose a couple of panels on the other side of the bridge, but the crew remained seated. "Hawthorne, report!"

A voice crackled through the comm system. "Sorry, Captain, I was, uh... working on the reactor core."

"More like napping," Chang commented.

Hawthorne ignored him - or didn't hear - and continued. "I just need a little more time, and I think I can increase the warp drive capacity."

The ship rumbled, and everyone checked their controls in panic. "Captain," Edison said, her voice rising with worry, "I think they've locked a tractor beam on us."

"You'd better hurry, Hawthorne!"

The doors to the bridge slid open with a pained whine - they must have been damaged in the attack. Doctor Winger came striding in. "What the hell is going on, Troy?" 

"The Greendalites are attacking the ship in order to procure Bennetta's release," Nadir answered.

"All this--" Winger threw a disbelieving glance over toward their guest. "—over her?"

Bennetta's voice dropped dangerously low. "What do you mean by that?" She rose regally from her seat, and walked slowly toward him, never wavering, despite the rocking of the ship. "You think I wouldn't have empires trembling over the thought of losing me?"

The closer she came, the more Winger's expression turned from disgust to desire. Bennetta had already worked her wiles on Captain Barnes, and now Doctor Winger was powerless against her.

She trailed a finger down the center of his chest, purring, "I'm worth saving, Doctor. Otherwise, how would we ever get the chance to really..." She leaned in close to whisper, "...talk."

He closed his eyes and breathed out, "Only if it's about other people."

"Whatever you want, sweetie." She kissed his cheek delicately.

Nadir could see what was happening. Captain Barnes was frozen in place, and now she was working on the doctor. How soon before she had the entire crew in her thrall? "Just a minute, Bennetta. What is your real purpose for being aboard? I am sensing this is more than just a rescue mission."

"Of course that's all it is, silly." She left the doctor drooling in her wake and began her hypnotic walk toward the science officer next.

He stopped her with an outstretched hand. "Your tricks will not work on me. I am immune to emotional ploys."

She stopped, her lips twisting in disappointment. "Oh, well. I never liked Arapolcans anyway." She pulled a hidden phaser pistol from her flowing robes and pointed it between Nadir's forehead ridges.

Nadir, quicker than the human eye, spin-kicked the pistol from her hand.

"Oh!" Bennetta rubbed at her hand with a frown. "That's not nice!"

"Arapolcans are all trained in self-defense from an early age." Nadir advanced upon her; she took a step back.

Helmsman Perry was suddenly up out of her chair as well. "Hold it, Nadir!" She whipped a phaser out of her uniform jacket and held it with steady aim. "Don’t take another step, or you'll be on the floor."

"Damn, this is getting gooooood," Chang said from behind Nadir.

Nadir ignored Chang and tilted his head toward the lieutenant. "Et tu, Britta?" 

"You got it. Now step away."

As he complied, he said, "I should have known she already had you spellbound. It was too easy for the Greendalites to find us."

"Spellbound? No way. I was hired to help her take over this ship and deliver it to the Greendalites. I'm only in it for the payout." She gave Bennetta a wild-eyed look. "Just think how many Starburned Sneetches I can save!”

"You can save any endangered species you want, as long as you help us, dear.” 

"Then all right." In a flash, she had another pistol out, and she leveled it at Edison and Chang who were still unaffected by the spell.

"You can't do this!" Edison protested, hands in the air.

With the gun on him, Chang quickly changed his tune. "Yeah, this is low, even for you."

"I can do whatever I want." Britta stepped over a fallen panel, ever watchful for a counterattack. "And I think we'd all be better off if the Arapolcan were out of the picture." 

Seeing his science officer in danger snapped Captain Barnes out of his trance. He leapt out of his chair, tackling Perry around the waist. Her weapons went flying. Chang scrambled after one, and Nadir plucked the other out of the air.

"Captain!" Hawthorne's voice came over the comm system. "I tinkered with the warp drive, and I think I've got it..."

"Well, then..." Barnes said from the floor, still trying to restrain a kicking Lieutenant Perry. "Do it!"

The U.S.S. Awesome jerked forward, out of the alien ship's grasp. Within moments, they were light years away from their enemy.

Everyone relaxed, except Barnes. "Chang, Edison," he ordered, pointing to Bennetta and Perry. "Take these traitors to the brig."

"Yes, sir!" they shouted in unison, though Chang was less enthusiastic.

Doctor Winger blinked rapidly as he came out of his stupor. "Wha-what happened?"

"Bennetta put you under her spell. Perry was a traitor. They were trying to take over the ship and give us to the Greendalites. We overpowered them. Hawthorne tinkered with the warp drive and we escaped," Nadir answered.

"Oh," Winger said, then looked down. "Dammit! There's a tear in my uniform!" He stalked back to sick bay, grumbling.

"Oh and Captain Barnes?" Nadir walked up to his captain, his friend, and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Troy?" 

"What, Officer Nadir?" Barnes looked into the science officer's enigmatic alien eyes. "Abed?"

"You were the real hero. Thank you for saving me."

"Any time, man." Barnes wrapped him in a manly hug. "Any time."

And as the stars blazed past, the U.S.S. Awesome continued on its journey, seeking new signs of awesomeness in the galaxy. Roll credits.

~o~o~o~


"The End." Abed closed his laptop and set it on Troy's bedside table, next to the cough syrup.

"Mmm," Troy said groggily, snuggling farther into the covers. "I liked the awesome parts."

"Which ones?"

Troy closed his eyes. "All of it," he said, and was immediately asleep. His breathing seemed much less labored than earlier that day.

Abed quietly switched off the lamp, and crept to the door. "Get well soon," he said, and slipped out.

The End.

Comments

( 27 comments — Leave a comment )
neigedens
Dec. 26th, 2010 01:13 am (UTC)
Oh my goodness, this is adorable. :D I can totally see Abed writing AU Trek fic for Troy. He probably would write one for Farscape too. :DDDDDDDDDDDDD Thank you so much for writing this for me! ♥
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 01:17 am (UTC)
YAY! I was so excited to get you for this exchange, and even more excited when I saw your prompts. Thanks for a great one!

*smiles back at smiling Uhura*
dancesontrains
Dec. 26th, 2010 01:33 am (UTC)
Neigedens just linked me to this and OMG so sweet :DDDDD Troy and Abed make a glorious Kirk and Spock.
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 01:38 am (UTC)
Thank you! ♥ I know it was sort of obvious to go with K/S here, but I figured Abed would have cast them this way! :)
myr_soleil
Dec. 26th, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
Yay, a fic by you that I *know* you wrote! I'll go and hunt the other ones, but in the meantime, THIS IS DELIGHTFUL. I love it all so much! Like Troy, I liked the awesome parts. Which were all of it, especially "Oh!" Bennetta rubbed at her hand with a frown. "That's not nice!" - hahaha, I am still laughing out loud as I'm copy-pasting it. You are a genius for our time, dear, and basically my favorite person ever. <3
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
Aw, you're sweet. :) You're one of my favoritest, too!

And I have everything under my "library" that I've ever written - but you'll have to wait until Jan. 1st for the yuletide ones. ;) I will divulge that I wrote at least one in a fandom you know?
straydog733
Dec. 26th, 2010 03:02 am (UTC)
Awwww! I don't even really know Star Trek, but this was wonderful. I love Shirley being cast as the seductress, plus Abed taking care of a sick Troy is adorable.
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 03:29 am (UTC)
I'm the most casual of fans, so I'm pretty sure you don't have to be either. :D My hubby's responsible for Shirley in that role - it was such a cute idea, I ran with it. :) Thanks for the review!
weasleytook
Dec. 26th, 2010 03:11 am (UTC)
It was adorable last week and it is still adorable today. ♥ I just want to hug this fic.
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 03:29 am (UTC)
*fic hugs you back* ♥
ncc_gqmf
Dec. 26th, 2010 03:38 am (UTC)
I LOVE THIS, omg. I want to point out parts I love specifically but it is ALL OF IT.
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 03:42 am (UTC)
EEEEE, thank you! I had a ball writing it, that's for sure! ♥
rogue_fangirl
Dec. 26th, 2010 11:38 pm (UTC)
This fic is super cute! Abed would totally have Troy save the day, even though he's telling the story.
htbthomas
Dec. 26th, 2010 11:47 pm (UTC)
I thought so, too - these two would make each other the hero of any story. :) Thanks for commenting! ♥
fickery
Dec. 27th, 2010 01:11 am (UTC)
This could seriously not be any cuter. As a longtime Trekkie and a Community fan, I loved it so much! Thanks for sharing. :-)
htbthomas
Dec. 27th, 2010 01:13 am (UTC)
Aw, thanks! ♥ The most fun was figuring out which parts each cast member would play. :)
under_crisis
Dec. 27th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
hahaha doctorrrrrr wingerrrrrrrr. but as i am a tng fan as a kid, i could also imagine him as riker. that'll be like O.M.G. he's gonna slay all the ladies in the federation.

sorry for the awful blabbering above but that's how much i enjoyed reading this fic! not only are the characters a perfect match to their star trek personalities (where have i heard of an edison before?) but the idea that abed would write this for troy irl is just precious and so in character.
htbthomas
Dec. 27th, 2010 02:55 am (UTC)
My hubby helped me decide that Jeff should be the Doctor. Turned out pretty well, so I'm glad! And thanks so much for the comment. ♥
wr1t3rbl0ck3d
Dec. 29th, 2010 02:48 pm (UTC)
Eeeeeeee, how cute was this? I've never seen a full episode or Star Trek, but I can tell that this is beyond cute. So cracky and adorable. Troy/Abed as Kirk/Spock is genius and Shirley as the wily temptress made me grin so much. Jeff as the doctor made me giggle and I love that the name of the ship was U.S.S. Awesome. If Troy were really a space captain, there's no way he'd use any other name.

I was surprised that Britta was--OHMYGOD, JUST GOT THE REFERENCE TO DALMATIANS AND PELTON. I love you. Like, so much. But yeah, I was surprised that Britta was the traitor, but I wouldn't have it any other way at the same time. Helping save the universe's wildlife with dirty money. xD

I loved everything. ♥
htbthomas
Dec. 29th, 2010 05:02 pm (UTC)
HEE! Thanks! I had a lot of fun peppering the whole thing with references on top of references. I love that in a fic, myself. Thanks so much for commenting! I'll be getting to yours soon! ♥
justtheficsmaam
Dec. 31st, 2010 06:42 pm (UTC)
Amazing and perfect. I could so hear Abed's voice in my head!
htbthomas
Dec. 31st, 2010 06:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you! Abed is such a fun character to write. ♥ And I appreciate the comment so much. :)
(Deleted comment)
htbthomas
Apr. 1st, 2011 10:06 pm (UTC)
I willing accept, nay, encourage review spam! :)

Ha! It pretty much is a miracle that Pierce hasn't blown them all up yet.... But, I bet he has a plucky ensign keeping him in line. ;) Abed is the best first officer/best friend ever, isn't he?

Thanks for the review!
blithers
Apr. 23rd, 2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
How did I miss leaving a comment for this? Because it is full of awesome parts, and so sweet at the end. You really have a knack for mapping the characters into AU situations and keeping their essence... it's just *right*.
htbthomas
Apr. 23rd, 2011 06:13 pm (UTC)
I don't know, but how sweet of you to come back now! ♥

I seriously adore parodies, so I'm really glad to hear that. I'm plotting another one right now, only the girls don't fit the roles very well, so I may have to fiddle a bit... :D
blithers
Apr. 24th, 2011 03:50 am (UTC)
Hurrah! ^_^ I can't wait to read it!
( 27 comments — Leave a comment )

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